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Wednesday, April 16, 2008
African American Marriage: Bringing out the Best
By Abigail Ryan
According to the U.S. Census, Forty-two percent of African-Americans are getting married, in comparison to 61% of Caucasians. Of those 42% , 12% have later filed for divorce, while 62% remain single-parent families.

In order to transform these dismal statistics we must understand what is at the heart of the matter. One theory is that we have inherited past pain, yet we have learned undauntedly to remain resilient. Unfortunately, the vestige of slavery and its domino effect has produced such a forceful momentum that it can still be seen in our daily lives but is seldom discussed.

According to Brenda Richardson and Dr. Brenda Wade, in their thought-provoking book, “What Mama Couldn’t Tell Us About Love,” too many failed myths remain embedded in many of us. These myths include “conflict in a relationship is inherently negative,” “great sex is a sign that the relationship will lead to a successful marriage,” and “a couple must live together to discern whether or not their relationship will endure.”

Conflict is inevitable within relationships involving individuals with different social, religious and economic upbringings, and also different geographic areas. A couple desiring a lasting marriage must consistently work towards this goal, with undying faith.

The needs of men often differ from that of women. Men often yearn for respect, while women generally want to feel loved. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs explains this concept fully in his book titled, “Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.”

So, you want to find out how to bring out the best in marriage? As is the case with most things in life, educating yourself is the answer..
April 16, 2008 5:05 PM 
Abigail said…
Unfortunately marriage not life long endeavor for all. This is due in part because understanding is necessary for love. If one does not understand their mate, they will find it hard to live in harmony.

It can be made much easier if people take the time to educate themselves on what actually works versus what is going on.

April 16, 2008 6:25 PM 
Anonymous said…
Hi Abigail,

Can you answer this question?:

What are some healthy habits single people (of color, particularly) can practice to better prepare themselves for marriage?

April 16, 2008 6:32 PM 
Abigail said…
There are actually several key items that hurt or help relationships.

-level of understanding self
-level of understanding male and female inherited traits
-developing techniques for speaking and actively listening to your mate
-understanding how life’s events effect your mate
-level of understanding each other’s values
-respecting each other’s differences
-compromise
-setting realistic goals for the future
-including other family members in the relationship in safe manner

When one has mastered the skill of maintaining a marriage, it will become easier to maintain other day to day relationships.

April 16, 2008 6:32 PM 
Abigail said…
A single person should educate themselves in preparation of a relationship.

If you are not prepared for your opportunity, your opportunity will appear to be less than an opportunity.

Preparation is key.

April 16, 2008 6:35 PM 
Abigail said…
There are a number of relationship enhancement services readily available. Many books have been written to cover the topic of relationships and marriage.

April 16, 2008 6:37 PM 
Abigail said…
Males tend to internalize day to day events. Males generally will not speak in detail about their day.

Women generally want and expect to give a detailed account about what went on during the day or what affected her most.

A subject may come up that male has been thinking about. Although,he has not spoken to the female about this subject and it affects both parties, his decision is made.

The female may feel that her feelings have not been considered and in turn interprets this to mean that her male partner does not care about her opinion.

It just did not occur to the male that he should discuss this with her. He felt he knew what needed to be done. In his family, his father would often make decisions and his mother would most often go along with it.

Can we see how this small misunderstanding can lead to a huge conflict already?

April 16, 2008 6:48 PM 
Abigail said…
Going back to what single people can do to prepare for marriage…..I honestly believe that it would help greatly if single people were to educate themselves about relationships and marriage. Why go into such a life altering event blindly?

We have to prioritize or goals in life. If done successfully, marriage can play a huge role in:

-enhancing one’s sense of self

-providing a support system to help one get through life’s ups and downs

- providing assistance with personal growth

-compensating for weakness and complimenting strengths

My husband is far more patient than me. I learn from him how to be more patient. My impatience often leads me to feel agitated sometimes; where his abundance of patience helps to calm me.

Understanding his male tendencies helps me to understand other males in my environment. Thereby, helping me to be patient and develop an understanding for their plight.

April 16, 2008 7:06 PM 
Melissa.Danielle said…
I would have liked this post to be a little longer. You didn’t go into the other issues you brought up – sex and living together before getting married.

Politically, I have made a choice to not get married until every consenting adult has the right to marry the consenting adult of their choice, but personally, I’m not even sure it’s necessary for my life (right now) and my goals.

However, I do believe couples should be open and honest with each other and themselves with regard to marriage.

It is essential for the couple contemplating marriage to sit down together and clarify their intentions and goals for their marriage.

It is only recent that people marry for love – economic and social status being the original impetus – so knowing what each other wants and expects is key to how successful the marriage will be.

We should be willing to challenge our beliefs about marriage, what each other is ‘responsible’ for in the relationship, and even what it means for the relationship to go from dating to a (somewhat) binding commitment.

April 16, 2008 8:01 PM 
Anonymous said…
I think it is very important for the mates to be equally respectful in a relationship, however the woman should defer the leading of the relationship to the male. It states this in the Bible and if most followed this doctrine, I think the family unit would be much stronger. If couples, especially African-American couples understood this going into marriage, I believe they would have a stronger bond and more successful marriage.

April 16, 2008 9:05 PM 
Abigail said…
We can continue topic the further. But before I end the discussion for tonight I must say that everyone has the right to make their own decision about whether or not to get married. However, it serves all involved to make an informed decision.

There is no model of perfection. But if the goal is to get married and stay married, understanding is necessary.

A commitment requires all parties to agree. Living together doesn’t necessarily lead to marriage. The reason is that marriage requires a commitment. It requires compromise. In all actuality marriage can be simplified to a legally binding documented commitment. This document truly becomes important when children are involved. Children want and expect to have both parents around to provide for their needs.

In the event that one parent deceases before the other, the surviving spouse is considered the nearest of kin. The surviving spouse can make decisions in place of the deceased spouse. Marriage enables a couple to rights that co-habitation does not. Of course, these rights can be just as detrimental as it can be helpful. It all depends on the couple and how well they honor each other.

That’s correct; marriage hasn’t always been about love. Realistically it really doesn’t have to be. What is essential is that the couple is able to collaborate on beliefs, values, goals, finances and relatives.

Sex should not be a deciding factor on how well a relationship is going. No matter how good or bad sex is in a relationship, lack of communication, understanding, and compromise will absolutely build barriers and eventually end the relationship. Individuals who place high priority on sexual intimacy versus a more complete intimacy will lose in the end of the relationship.

Men should take on the dominant role in the relationship. Men are known to be our providers, protectors, and more. However, the male must also be prepared and choose wisely. Too often males make uninformed choices or choices that put him in a relationship where he is without the capacity to lead in the relationship. Also, leading the relationship should not be interpreted as control. There are necessary skills that are required of all leaders.

I don’t have all the answers. But what I do is seek opportunities to find out if my marriage is on the right track. What can we do to enhance the relationship we’ve already established?

We’ve found joy and enlightenment through marriage retreats that allow us to learn about relationship enhancement skills in a relaxed and fun group setting.

We can definitely go more in depth if anyone is interested.

April 16, 2008 9:45 PM 
Anonymous said…
I missed the discussion but I am glad that there is focus on building and sustaining the structure of the black family. Now we must really implement this in our lives and amongst others.
April 18, 2008 1:09 AM 
Veda said…
One major problem is that unfortunately a lot of African Americans are coming from single parent homes and might not see the necessity in getting married. There are not enough examples for the young ones to go on.
Television often portrays being young and single as being hip and being married as boring. Another factor attributing to the lack in nuptial increase is the whole feminist movement that left women believing that they did not need men if they were strong and independent.
Marriage counseling should be more prominent in our community and individuals should not be afraid to seek it. However, marriage counseling only works for those that decide to get married. This is a problem that can only get better one generation at a time. We have to set examples for the younger ones and learn to speak to them.

April 21, 2008 10:57 AM 
Abigail said…
A very good point has been made. Black women have been “holding done the fort”, so to speak, as single parents for so long that the model African American family may have become one that is made up of single parent and children. However, studies show us that the single family household, (though many have been strong) has many negative side effects along with the positive. Some effects include poverty, imprisonment, financial struggles, mental health problems, and many other factors that can become extremely detrimental when combined. The stress of single parenting placed on one individual may become overbearing. Marriage does not erase these negative side effects. A healthy marriage can however, subdue the negative factors.

Young single African Americans are at a disadvantage when attempting relationship and martial affairs without strategies, and structure. With this being the norm, premarital education can become extraordinarily valuable. As today’s married couples begin to educate themselves on what works they must not leave their children in the dark. Premarital education will begin to shed light on strategies that lead to better relationships for all.

April 21, 2008 12:31 PM 
Shakia said…
Abigail,

I absolutely loved your article. It was informative and made me raise some concerns about my own relationships. Thank you for writing about a topic that is affecting our community and everyday relationships. People usually don’t think twice about why they are the way they are. You touched on many things, however, I wish the article was longer so that you could have gone into more detail. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it.

April 21, 2008 5:12 PM 
Abigail said…
I would have loved to get into more detail about marriage. However, there are so many areas to cover.

I’ve already attended 2 weekend retreats and there is still so much more to learn. For this reason, I have provided the reader with two valuable resources. I have many more resources on the subject and have already noted that there are currently education services available for couples. For the price of a pair of shoes each; a couple can experience a course that may change their lives, the way the see their spouse and the way they see the world and the relationships around them.

For those who would like to continue discussion, feel free to do so on this blog. There are many general questions and comments that can be addressed here.

Personal questions can be addressed diffferently.

April 22, 2008 9:06 AM 
a.o said…
dear abigail,
what is it that makes people know that they are actually in love with their mates.

April 28, 2008 10:33 AM 

Abigail said…
“Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

There is no “one size fits all” answer to your question. However the quote above is right on point. People must ask themselves several questions to determine whether or not they are in love. Here are a few below:

Most importantly, do you understand this person?
How much do you know about this person?
How much do you know about the events in this person’s life that have helped to shape their attitudes about life and love?
How do you define love?
What are your conditions to love? Would you still love them if they lost their job, needed psychiatric care, or became an alcoholic?
Can you put aside your own selfish wants and desires to truly care for this person during their times of need?
Will this person be receptive of your love?
Will you still love this person if they were to fall seriously ill?
Will you still love this person if they gained a significant amount of weight?
Would you love this person if distance kept you apart for an extended period of time?
What does this person feel strongly about?
Do you know how this person displays their love?
Is this person aware of the way you show signs of love?
Do you find it easiest to communicate with this person?
The things that make you feel happiest; do they conflict with those of the person you are in love with?
Is this lust or true love?

We want to know that there is at least one person in our lives who we can really depend on to be there when the chips are down. Can you be there for this person when they are suffering? Can you communicate your suffering to this person?

We must not mistake a call to service for love. There are times in our lives when we meet individuals who we are most able to help. We think about how we can be of service and lose sight of the reality. We were called to service and not necessarily to begin a love affair.

So you see; there is much to think about.

April 30, 2008 6:55 PM

This material is also available on the NYULYP blog page:

http://nyulyp.blogspot.com/2008/04/african-american-marriage-bringing-out.html

 http://nyulyp.blogspot.com/2008/04/african-american-marriage-bringing-out.html

I hope it may serve to generate discussions between African Americans on the topic of Marriage. Feel free to drop a line when something is on your mind pertaining to the subject. Thanks.